the warm red stuff

i'm making sauce, red sauce. saucey sauce sauce sauce. better'n momma used to make, and momma made some damn fine sauce. i'm testing out different styles ov meatloaf for my catering business and i like to serve my meatloaf with a fine red sauce on top ov it with a little mozz. so hence the saucey sauciness what is the sauce what i'm saucing right fucking now. but i ain't sauced, oh no sir. just sassy.

unwelcome affections

yesterday was valentines day. whoop whoop! that's two big whoops for valentine's day! one whoop for killing trees to express childhood crushes, and another whoop for sugar-induced comas! they're what all the fashionable kids are having on the playground these days. instead ov going either ov those routes myself i opted to just tell my sweetie i loved her and make dinner for her and her mother. it was good. i love to eat dinner.

speaking ov childhood crushes, beth's mom, jo ann, just happens to be the head ov a school over here on seattle's west side. it's called westside school and they get big marks for originality. ANYWAY, as head ov school she gets to recieve valentines from all sorts ov children, from the genuinely nice ones who want to give a valentine to their principal(okay, head ov school) to the ones who were forced to suck up by their parents. she brought several over to us so that we could share in the sugary joy and fantastic penmanship that are the hallmark ov the Hallmark holiday in younger circles. that's when i saw it: the darth vader valentine.

i'd seen them in the stores, the episode III valentines box, and i wondered what type ov 'romantic' messages might be inside, but didn't enough to buy any. well, here was my chance. the outside was fairly innocuous, just 'happy valentine's day' and lucasarts 2006 on the outside, but when you open it up there's a pic ov ol' helmethead himself, Mistah Darth Vader, standing in front ov a sea ov lava with his lightsaber in his hand with the inscription "You have my allegiance."

how cute. this motherfucker just finished stalking through the jedi temple lightsabering the heads ov all the little kids that popped up like some sadistic whack-a-mole game and now he wants to give me his allegiance. what girl wouldn't want that? george lucas needs to stop hanging out with steven spielberg, then perhaps all these attempts at scaring the holy hell out ov children will stop and he can get back to what he's really good at: making his adult fans hang their heads and cry.

i honestly can't imagine a lamer or more inappropriate valentine's day card. wait! yes i can! i'll tell you later. "you have my allegiance?" all i can envision is some smelly and obese fourth grader with a black trenchcoat, a top hat and a ferret passing those cards out to all the cute girls, kneeling before each one and passing it over with head bowed. i want to beat that kid up now so perhaps he'll take fewer beatings in the future.

mommas, don't let your babies grow up to be dorkwads. get them some at least vaguely real sentiments to pass around at school.

on the plus side, it came with a groovy Darth Vader temporary tatoo!

Swattin' Ospreys with an I-Beam

so the gayest sporting event ever is over once again and the steelers won. if you are one ov those people who wants to get all outraged and technical and say the seahawks won, then tell it to the football commissioner cuz i so very much don't care. at least the weather is still nice and i have all ov my limbs and such, some little football game ain't gonna ruin my day. that is the job ov rain and phonecalls from creditors. wish me luck on both fronts.

i am disappointed though. i really wanted to watch the seahawks win, not out ov any adopted hometown pride, but because i read somewhere on the internet that if your home team wins the superbowl, anyone in your town can legally do whatever the fuck they want and not worry about the long arm ov johnny fuckin' law. I was torn, as i usually am, between throwing purse dogs off ov the Denny overpass and shooting SUV drivers along with their demon offspring. i know, tough call. i would have just gone with how the spirit moved me.

the truly manliest display i saw all yesterday was Yeti Vedder, aka Daniel Talsky, eat a warm two pound pile ov lightly spiced and buttered raw hamburger. apparently it grows hair on your chest, cuz he's a fuzzy lil' thang, ain't he?


go play now kids, daddy's got no more drivel to tell you.