Wednesday, February 15, 2006

unwelcome affections


yesterday was valentines day. whoop whoop! that's two big whoops for valentine's day! one whoop for killing trees to express childhood crushes, and another whoop for sugar-induced comas! they're what all the fashionable kids are having on the playground these days. instead ov going either ov those routes myself i opted to just tell my sweetie i loved her and make dinner for her and her mother. it was good. i love to eat dinner.

speaking ov childhood crushes, beth's mom, jo ann, just happens to be the head ov a school over here on seattle's west side. it's called westside school and they get big marks for originality. ANYWAY, as head ov school she gets to recieve valentines from all sorts ov children, from the genuinely nice ones who want to give a valentine to their principal(okay, head ov school) to the ones who were forced to suck up by their parents. she brought several over to us so that we could share in the sugary joy and fantastic penmanship that are the hallmark ov the Hallmark holiday in younger circles. that's when i saw it: the darth vader valentine.

i'd seen them in the stores, the episode III valentines box, and i wondered what type ov 'romantic' messages might be inside, but didn't enough to buy any. well, here was my chance. the outside was fairly innocuous, just 'happy valentine's day' and lucasarts 2006 on the outside, but when you open it up there's a pic ov ol' helmethead himself, Mistah Darth Vader, standing in front ov a sea ov lava with his lightsaber in his hand with the inscription "You have my allegiance."

how cute. this motherfucker just finished stalking through the jedi temple lightsabering the heads ov all the little kids that popped up like some sadistic whack-a-mole game and now he wants to give me his allegiance. what girl wouldn't want that? george lucas needs to stop hanging out with steven spielberg, then perhaps all these attempts at scaring the holy hell out ov children will stop and he can get back to what he's really good at: making his adult fans hang their heads and cry.

i honestly can't imagine a lamer or more inappropriate valentine's day card. wait! yes i can! i'll tell you later. "you have my allegiance?" all i can envision is some smelly and obese fourth grader with a black trenchcoat, a top hat and a ferret passing those cards out to all the cute girls, kneeling before each one and passing it over with head bowed. i want to beat that kid up now so perhaps he'll take fewer beatings in the future.

mommas, don't let your babies grow up to be dorkwads. get them some at least vaguely real sentiments to pass around at school.

on the plus side, it came with a groovy Darth Vader temporary tatoo!

3 comments:

Su Pantalones said...

Thanks for a wonderful dinner, valentine vader!

chaz defranz said...

the other velentine i thought would be even more inappropriate was a pic ov Ariel Sharon lying in his hospital bed with the line "when i blink twice it means 'i love you'!"

Brodie said...

From Palestine: "Your illegal love settlements occupy my heart."