As those of you who have hotly followed my meandering career path know, I am currently involved at making my dream job, cooking and catering for myself, paying me the huge gobs of cash I know it will. But alas, my friends, I tell you this today; for every dream job you have there are unforseen dream circumstances that may take that job away from you. To this end I have searched high and low to find my very own Backup Dream Job.
The list of potential backup dream jobs was long: bacon taster(still willing to do this part time, btw), paid participant in a twenty year long medical study of the effects of nymphomaniacs on chronic pot smokers, test vacationer for the worlds five-star hotels, comic book critic, and professional bra to name just a few ov the highlights. But leave it to the Inscrutable Asian to create my true Backup Dream Job for me before I even thought ov it: Fake Wedding Priest.
As those of you who have followed my mandering chains of logic over the years know, I dearly love irritating christians. I'm gaga over it and I will never get enough if I live eight lifetimes. When chrisitianity fades away into distant obscurity many thousands of years from now I have orders in my will to have me unfrozen or robotic-cloned or whatever the reanimation fashion is at the time in order to revive christianity across the globe just so i may poke fun at its new adherents. You see, dear reader, I used to want to be a priest but with christianity being pretty much the only thing I was exposed to in the backwards state of Oklahoma I quickly became so baffled with the so called "Truths" about the ineffable purported by this ever-growing cult that I put that notion in the circular file. But it haunted me. It was everywhere I was growing up. the common feeling among Oklahomans is, or at least was, If you weren't a christian and didn't want to be there was something wrong with you; not like in a 'you're sick and must be healed' sort of way, but like in a 'you are the instrument of Lucifer and must be cast out' sort of way. Quite frankly over time I got to enjoy the latter a thousand times times a thousand times more than the former. I dare you to say the last sentence five times fast and then still be able to walk a straight line. And I liked the ritual, the censers, alot of the clothes, the buildings, the dedication that people showed to it, all that kind of stuff. Really and for true I did. Do. It's just that the message of christianity, the ultimate message about how to live in your time before your death and movement on to the next phase of whatever you want to call what we're all experiencing here, the mindset with which to approach living in the world with other cultures and thinkers and belivers and neighbors and the like is very very shortsighted and overconfrontational, with a penchant for the type of deductive reasoning that would embarass even the most junior detective by its possesion. That pithy insight of mine does not even take into account the way that the message of christianity is reinterpreted by many of its supporters, which more often that not descend into pure spiritual lunacy within a few sentences. Let's face it, if you're into spirituality or religion of any type other than christianity, you gotta admit that that if nothing else it's worth a few laughs, wars and genocides aside.
The Japanese have an incredibly low percentage of christians in their country and yet they have this high demand for fake priests because they like the clothes and pretty ritual. I myself have the same interest in reverse when it comes to my own wedding; a Japanese influence across most of the clothing and site and such but no real interest in whatever religion it is that most Japanese profess. So this whole 'fake priest' job is perfect for me. I'd get to fufill my dream of being a preist, my dream of pissing off catholics, and my dream of getting paid to do what i love.
And I wouldn't stop there, nosiree bob! I love the Japanese for their addiction to pop culture and am sure that I could pervert the profession of fake catholic priest into one that both I and the Japanese would love. Think catholic priest with a Sailor Moon outfit on. Think Hello catholic. Dance Dance Weddalution. The possibilities, they just go on and on.
So, If ever I can't go on chefing or catering, if ever I disappear for the Mysterious Orient, just know that somewhere in Japan, at the same time you are thinking of me, I am officiating a fake catholic wedding while wearing a schoolgirl outfit. Viva el Weddalution!